Pajama Pants Nation

I’ve seen so many people try to predict how the NFL draft would progress I’ve decided to take a stab at it myself. Seemed like a hoot and I had nothing else unimportant to do.
Here is my 2006 NFL Mock draft.

Disclaimers:

This is strictly for pun . . . er . . . fun.
I pulled these names from the ESPN draft page in early January before underclassmen had declared themselve eligible for the draft.
I have no talent evaluation skills nor do I have any insider information.
I’m not even certain the picks in the second round are even in the correct order.
Any accuracy in this mock draft is strictly coincidental.
Please, hold your applause until all players have been announced.
Round One
1: Houston selects CB Alex Teems:
Al Teems want him, Houston gets him
2: New Orleans selects QB Darrell Hackney:
Darrell be plenty Hackney attempts at passes in New Orleans, again.

3: Tennessee selects RB Prince (PJ) Daniels Jr:
Prince Daniels, Jr? Was his dad King Daniels, Sr.?

4: New York Jets selects S Adam Cotton:
The Jets take a PR hit when this reminds New Yorkers Adam Cotton Yankee uniform incident caused by George Castanza.

5: Green Bay selects WR Kelvin Dickens:
It’s cold as the Dickens in Green Bay, where they measure the temp in Kelvin

6: San Francisco selects CB Josh Golden:
It’s Josh a Golden selection by the 49ers.

7: Oakland selects PT Ben Chaet:
The Raiders have Ben Chaet (ing), huh?

8: Buffalo selects RB Jerious Norwood:
Another Norwood in Buffalo? You cannot be Jerious

9: Detroit selects RB Jerod Void:
Jer Void the Noid in Domino’s Pizza land

10: Arizona selects TE Joe Klopfenstein:
Arizona’s own Alice Cooper starts a PR campaign by rewriting one of his songs as Choose Joe Klopfenstein (Choose Joe Klopfensty-yi-yine)

11: St. Louis selects TE Alex Shor:
During the interview process, he told St. Louis staff “Al Shor be willing to play for the Rams and Al Shor up the TE position”

12: Cleveland selects QB Josh Betts:
I bet you’ll remember this when you get to pick 43

13: Baltimore selects QB Barrick Nealy:
Should have run out the clock at army

14: Philadelphia selects FB Rashon Powers-Neal:
The Eagles, worshipping power rushing, draft Rashon Powers-Neal before him.

15: Denver selects RB Ron Lane:
Denver gets a chance to open a Ronning Lane.

16: Miami selects S Calvin Lowry:
Diet guru, Cal Lowry

17: Minnesota selects WR Jermaine Jamison:
Add JerryJam with Jimmy Jam and Terry Lewis and the Jacksons might have careers again

18: Dallas selects PK Ryan Lux:
Ryan Lux out and gets the job in Dallas

19: San Diego selects WR Sinorice Moss:
Senor Ice? Latin Hip-Hop star? Perfect for San Diego

20: Kansas City selects QB Corey Bramlet:
How cute; a baby bram

21: New England selects RB Nelson Drew:
Name is backwards; perfect for a team going backwards

22: Denver selects S Jahmile Addae:
Climbing Jahmile Addae to practice will get him in shape for games

23: Tampa Bay selects RB JR Lemon:
A Lemon to go with Bucs Cadillac

24: Cincinatti selects WR Brian Allbrooks:
I’ve heard of All-pro, all-conference, and all-state, but All-brooks What is he, the best in the river?

25: New York Giants selects WR Jayson Boyd:
Folks in Jersey expect him to be the Jay Boyd of happiness

26: Chicago selects QB Luke Sniewski:
Luke “What?” Sniewski in Chicagoland

27: Carolina selects OT EJ Whitley:
His great-grandpappy invented the Cotton Gin and Tonic

28: Jacksonville selects DE Frostee Rucker:
What does a guy from USC know about frost? Better put him in Florida

29: New York Jets selects RB Gerald Riggs Jr:
Jets Gerry Riggs a chance to get the son of a former Falcon from Atlanta

30: Indianapolis selects ILB Michael Craven:
Mike helps a team Craven for a Super Bowl

31: Seattle selects RB Rashon Myles:
Rushing miles and miles trying to fill Shawn Alexander’s shoes (Oh, wait. Shawn didn’t leave.)

32: Pittsburgh selects WR Damarius Bilbo:
Lord of the Super Bowl Rings?

Round 2
33: Houston selects FB Jake Slaughter:
Good name for fullback in the cattle town

34: New Orleans selects WR Joshua Tinch:
Joshua Tinch of pepper for this gumbo teamcooking

35: New York Jets selects OG Alan Erving:
How to cope with the Jets problems: it’s alan erving (all unnerving)

36: Green Bay selects DE Mike Kudla:
Mike Kudla been a contender, but Green Bay drafted him

37: Oakland selects CB Marcus King:
Al Davis is, again, Mark King territory

38: San Francisco selects DE Tearrius George:
Only concern is that he always cries when he sees a man wearing a yellow suit

39: Tennessee selects WR Jonathon Orr:
Jonathon Orrrrrrr someone else?

40: Detroit selects DE Devan Long:
The mini-cooper short

41: Arizona selects OC Grayling Love:
Grayling Love in a retirement state? Perfect

42: Buffalo selects OG Aaron Lips:
Some people put collagen in their lips. This guy is so tough he just pumps Aaron Lips.

43: Cleveland selects WR Sam Hurd:
Josh Betts Sam Hurd the pass coming

44: Baltimore selects OC Joey Johnsonbaugh:
That’s not his real name, is it? That’s okay; Baltimore’s not a real team

45: Philadelphia Eagles selects WR Jejuan Rankins:
Jejuan Rankins? I’ll give you rankings! This is the rankest joke of all

46: St. Louis selects WR Mike Hass:
Mike Hass to be the selection the selection here

47: Atlanta selects OT Joe Toledo:
A great blocker for Michael “Ron Mexico” Vick

48: Minnesota selects ILB Banks Floodman:
Whoa! Banks flood, man! Sounds like someone who might have reason to team up with the Whizzinator guy, if you dig.

49: Dallas selects QB Tye Gunn:
Tye Gunn–it’s what Bugs Bunny did to the guy trying to hunt him down

50: San Diego selects OLB Moses Osemwegie:
Holy Moses! Oswemwegie you gave that QB!

51: Minnesota (from Miami) selects FB Chris Manderino:
Dolphins trick the Vikings into thinking Manderino is an annagram for Dan Marino.

52: New England selects OT Daryn Colledge:
Where are the underclassmen in the Boston area? Daryn Colledge

53: Washington selects OT Jami Hightower:
Hightower. James. Agriculture Development Major. From Texas. I may be the only one who gets it, but this guy belongs in Washington

54: Kansas City selects OT Travis Leffew:
Who should be OT for (Len) Dawson’s old team? Survey says: let’s play Leffew!

55: Cincinatti selects PT Adam Brooks:
Adam Brooks joke again. Try being orginal

56: New York Giants selects OG Lance Butler:
eXtreme Clue. Butler did it, with the lance, in the film room

57: Chicago selects TE Quinn Sypniewski:
What sypniewski in Chicagoland? (Can you Bear the same joke twice?)

58: Carolina selects WR Taye Biddle:
Taye Biddle riddle, The cat in the huddle. Offseasons as Cardio nursery rhymes instructor

59: Tampa Bay selects S Roman Harper:
Travelling Minstrels? Buccaneers are as close as we get here.

60: Jacksonville selects OG Justin Ernest:
How to succeed? Justin Earnest effort.

61: Denver selects WR Evan Judge:
Don’t evan Judge this pick?

62: Indianapolis selects FB BJ (William) Dean:
Tony Dungy predraft claim “Billy Dean is not my fullback” only to throw off the competition

63: Seattle selects OT Willie Shine:
Willie Shine in Seattle? Can anything shine in Seattle?

64: Pittsburgh selects QB Reggie McNeal:
Oh, Timerunnerouter McNeal, huh? Great for the two-minute, ahead-by-20-points offense

In February 1958, Clarence Bover escaped from the Murmansk prison with the help of other operatives with a dog sled. The heavy show falling hid their tracks long enough for them to cross the border into Finland. Even outside the Soviet Union, Bover still was not safe. Finland was no safer from Soviet surveillance than any other place in the world. Under an assumed name, Clarence Overbay was transported to Helsinki. A flight to Reykjavik, Iceland. Another to New York, New York. Finally, a train to Arlington, Virginia, where he met up with his wife, Gladys, and their young son, Eisenhower. Of course, they still were not safe. Details are sketchy on this, especially since web sites with information disappear seemingly moments after they are viewed, but the Overbays moved from town to town throughout the country, fearful of the Soviet spies searching for them. Even with the constant moves, Ike eventually fell in love with a woman named Ginny. With the Soviet Union collapsing, Ike and Ginny Overbay were able to finally settle down in a home in Centralia, Washington. Centralia had been one of their many stops on the run and was, in fact, where their son Lyle was born. They had liked the town and, now safe, could happily build their belated nest there. Lyle Overbay grew up to be a professional baseball player, now playing for the Toronto Blue Jays.
Oh the fun you can have when you read the “transactions” part of the sports section and notice that Lyle Overbay seems like a pig Latin name someone thought up while on the run. I decided to give ol’ Lyle a back story, even though I don’t even know his parents names much less his family’s history. Special thanks go to Google maps.

Anyway, for this easonray, I’m planning to get Lyle Overbay on my fantasy baseball team. He’s number 12 on my “big board,” which would be in my “war room” if I had a “war room.” For those of you not into fantasy sports, a “big board” is the list of players in the order of value as determined by the big board owner(s). The “war room” is the room in which the big board is located and where the people in charge of the team rate players, discuss draft strategies, and plan. (This is more for real teams drafting real prospects, but we fantasy players like to fantasize.) Since there is only one of me, I don’t really need a room. Most of my work is done on a computer anyway.

So, for your viewing pleasure, I will post my big board here. This is very uncommon as this is typically top secret–which is why it is kept in a “war” room. If you’re one of the other owners in my league, please ignore this; you don’t see me reading your big board.

The team will start 7 pitchers. The line up will have 3 outfielders and one each of the following: catcher, first base, second base, third base, shortstop, designated hitter (which can be any hitter not already in the line up). The team will have 5 back ups for a total of 21 players. (As I recall.)

My Fantasy Baseball Big Board
1. Johann Santana, Pitcher: Always a favorite of mine. He’s ranked pretty high (6 to 12 on most boards), but I figure I have a 50-50 chance of getting him.
2. Albert Pujols, First base: The best Cardinal. He’s ranked in the top 2-3 on most boards, so I have almost no chance of getting him.
(With the rest, I’d be surprised if I didn’t get them.)
3. Chase Utley, Second base: I like the name, have relatives named Utley, and I am not familiar enough with many second baseman to displace him. So sue me.
4. Joe Mauer, Catcher: From Minnesota and plays for Minnesota. Plus, he’s supposed to be really good.
5. Huston Street, Pitcher: Another cool name (a theme may start) and I picked him up last year while he was still under the radar (I always feel a special bond with players when that happens).
6. Eddie Guardado, Pitcher: If you have to ask, you’re not a baseball fan from Minnesota. (Or you ARE a baseball fan from Minnesota, but don’t know why I’d pick Eddie Guardado.)
7. Jim Edmonds, Outfielder: He plays for the Cardinals and I’ve been drafting him for so many years I probably still will be drafting him four years after he retires.
8. Scott Rolen, Third base: I don’t actually know why I’m drafting him. I hope he does well.
9. John Lackey, Pitcher: My brother-in-law loves the word lackey and the interjection “Great lackey!” And John’s pretty good.
10. Jason Isringhausen, Pitcher: Izzy went from Oakland to St. Louis (two of my favorite teams. And he’s pretty good to boot. (Wait, booting a pitcher isn’t a good thing. Rats.)
11. Torii Hunter, Outfielder: A good Twin to right the ship in Minnesota. Ankles away!
12. Lyle Overbay, First base: Any grandson of a spy who kept the pig Latin surname is aces in my book.
13. Jacque Jones, Outfielder: Nothing to say here. I hope you caught the pretty good Lackey joke.
14. Brad Radke, Pitcher: He’s shown loyalty to Minnesota. I show loyalty to him.
15. Tim Wakefield, Pitcher: I can’t imagine my team without a knuckle baller.
16. Jae Seo, Pitcher: There’s a special place in my heart (and on my roster) for a South Korean.
17. Eric Milton, Pitcher: Yet another hold over from when I liked him when he was on the Twins. (Oh where have you gone, Scott Erickson?)
18. Corey Koskie, Third Base: There’s a special place in my heart (and on my roster) for Canadians who used to play for the Twins and now play for the Brewers and are named Corey Koskie.
19. Christian Guzmán, Shortstop: Wow! Enough with the former Twins already!
20. Grant Balfour, Pitcher: I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. How can you have a baseball roster without a pitcher named Grant Balfour (grant ball four)?
21. Termel Sledge, Outfield: Termel Sledge. He might be a back up, but he’s got an All Star name.

So, those are the folks I’m hoping will fill my roster. As you can see, I’m not exactly out for blood. I gave that up when I had a fantasy football team start 9-0 but then drop the last 8. That wasn’t fun. Besides, I can always change my mind and grab good free agents.

You see, I believe that, in any random league, you can pretty much skip the draft and still do very well. So many owners seem to abandon their teams and so many unknown players have great years that, if you pay attention, you can get the good players and have a contending roster. You probably won’t get first place because someone who took the draft seriously may also be watching the free agents, but you should be able to end up near the top.

The draft is just too much guess work. After the fantasy-football season ended, ESPN sent out a list of the players making up the best line up and at what pick they were taken, on average:
QB Carson Palmer, 76th pick [7th round for a 12 team league or 8th round for a 10 team league]
RB Shaun Alexander, 2nd [1st round]
RB Larry Johnson, 89th [8th-9th round]
WR Steve Smith, 82nd [7th–9th round]
WR Santana Moss, 91st [8th-10th round]
TE Antonio Gates, 35th [3rd-4th round]
K Neil Rackers, Undrafted
DEF Chicago Bears, 132nd [11th – 14th round]

If the scouting/drafting evaluations were accurate, there is no way any of the quarterback, running backs, or wide receivers should have made it out of the second round. Yet, only one of those 5 players was drafted in the first round. Now, if drafters were that far off on the top players, imagine where the second or third tier of players might be found.

My big board doesn’t stop at 21, though. I only listed the ones that I would have if I were able to draft my “dream” team. Since I’ll be fortunate to get Pujols or Santana, I can guarantee I won’t get both. (Or your money back.) So, I have other players to fall back on. One of the players filling out the big board is Jung Keun Bong, who was “designated for assignment” by the Cincinnati Reds. I assumed he had to do a book report or problems 1-25 (odd numbers only) or something. Maybe it’s a random thing. Some players are randomly tested for drugs. Some players are randomly given homework. (When you have Bong in your name, you’re praying for the homework.) Nope, it’s much worse. It means the team has 10 days to trade, release, or ask waivers on the player; which means that he probably won’t be playing for the Reds this season. Maybe I’ll take him off the big board.

Well, the team isn’t going to draft itself. (Actually, with these web-based leagues, it will.) So I’d better put the final touches on my big board and let the disappointment begin!

Offway otay ethay Arway Oomray!

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The opinions expressed here are solely those of the writer and do not neccessarily reflect those of the rest of the family.

© 2006, Mark Wentz